Time changes us. It really does. A person grows over time, slowly strengthening their souls as life throws different balls at them. Some falling, some bouncing and some being caught with a clean grasp.
Baby loss is a significant event in a Mothers life. It is an event that will make a Mother see, feel, touch and hear things completely differently. It is also a tricky path to forge with a partner, as you are 2 completely different people, grieving in completely separate ways, relevant only to your individual worlds. I have 1 gorgeous baby girl already in my world, which, when she first came into our world, already ignited growth and fire inside me. Everyone who is a Mother, knows the journey through Motherhood is one that opens a new door of your soul, but after the death of my 2nd child, Paxton, I felt that I have suffered a severe earth quake of change, stronger than that of even becoming a Mother to begin with.
I feel that I don’t worry about things like; mess, dishes, lack of sleep, traffic, what I feel like studying, people not liking me, whether my husband is home at a certain time from work or not. I guess after death, i’ve realise that the frustration or anger i’ve had over these events will never bring my baby back, so what real point is there to exerting such negative energy into my world. Perhaps i’m more aware with how short our time could be, so my senses have shifted? When I talk to my husband about my feelings “pre and post Paxton”, he questions why I should be any different pre or post our baby’s death. Part of me wants to scream and yell, but then I wonder; what good will that do? I guess he’s confused how a woman’s thoughts can be so changeable. Perhaps he thinks of how ‘normal’ I was before having any children, and how much i’ve continued to grow over this time.
Prior to going through the birth and death of a baby, a Mother is completely different person. In hindsight, I guess these people are free (without actually realising it) of a bigger, darker cloud that is always possible in someone’s lifetime. A cloud that has the potential to swallow them whole and spit them out into pieces that they have to somehow put back together.
After baby loss, YOU become a priority. You need to heal YOU. Your physical, mental and emotional state needs healing. It will never be the same again, but it needs attention. You’re human. Give yourself the time and self love to do that. Now that I have started a new personal work venture and am sending most of my energy down that line, time is still the imminent factor. Today my husband came home and brought me lunch. Such a lovely thought. But because I am focusing on ME and what I need to help ME in this journey after baby loss, he showed only what I saw as being anger and frustration that i’m not putting that energy into US. The reality is though, how can you put the right healing into your marriage, when you yourself are not healed?