Vulnerability

“The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” – The oxford dictionary

As a woman… A driven, (semi) intelligent, head strong woman, it has been hard to open myself up to the idea of vulnerability. This is up until I become a Mother to my first child, lost my 2nd child after a premature birth and my husband walked out of the family home.

Having children is the biggest blessing that the world can give you. It’s also the hardest, poorest paid job that there ever was, but it is a job that has the ability to teach you things about yourself that no other job ever will.

I stooped to the bottom of the barrel after my husband left me the week after my son died. I cried hysterically and pitied myself to the moon and back thinking he should have been someone I could lean on more. Yes, it was unfair that he left me at my physical and mental/emotional lowest point in my life (I don’t blame him though), but really he was giving me the biggest gift of all… time and space to find my true heartfelt self and understand what I valued and needed most in my journey through life. So instead of hating him, i’m thanking him.

In the middle of all this, my neighbour came over and said to me; “honey, you’re a smart woman, but you need to remember who the real you is”. Sometimes, more often than not, parents loose themselves in trying to become the best possible parent they think they need to be. Who they are trying to prove this to, I have no idea. Perhaps it is society, or professional advice groups or just your friends or parents, who offer tips on what you and your baby ‘should’ be doing as it grows older, that conditions us to believe we should be someone bigger and greater when really, it’s ok to sit and watch a movie with your 1 year old, to let her eat ice cream, to not have a sleep during the day.

At 31.5 I have only just begun to learn that Pride is the one emotion that will NOT allow you to open your soul to vulnerability and we need to be vulnerable to learn and grow and become better versions of ourselves. Pride is the number 1 barrier to achieving greatness. (Quote me on that one. I just came up with it now). There is a difference between being proud of something and having too much pride. I am proud of how well my dog behaves is different to being too proud to stand up and say something honest that might make people look at me strangely. In reference to my own life; after the pain I had been through going through birth and the death of my son and then on top of that losing my husband, I was then too proud to say to him that I needed him in fear of grieving a 3rd time round, but I guess I that’s what happened anyway.

Hebrews 1:11 says: Faith is stepping out. Even when you can’t see the path yet.

Faith, hope and forgiveness are the only 3 things we need to use as the foundations for a happy, fulfilling life. Let the start of the new decade be the platform for these foundations to be built on!

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