To the parents who suffer baby loss, during a world wide pandemic

I know you’re out there.

I know you’re feeling alone.

I know you’re feeling empty .

I know you’re now part of a club that you never ever wanted to be a part of.

I know you know you’re that 1 in 4

I know this Coronavirus outbreak is probably not helping you travel safely on this unbalanced grief train.

It’s a shitty train you’re on. I can’t even sugar coat it in any way. You’ve unwillingly climbed aboard a heart breaking, soul destroying, convoluted train carriage.

I’m guessing you’re sitting somewhere by yourself at the moment, because ‘physical distancing’ is the new normal to try and contain a rampaging virus that’s taking over the world. So, you’re probably feeling physically alone as well as mentally alone.

Did you know you’re not along though? The seats are full on in your carriage (spaced 2m apart by the way – social/physical distancing and all). There’s someone else sitting on their computer or staring aimlessly at their phone or curling up in their bed, who are going through the exact same emotions as you are right now? If you’re in NZ, join this group and you’ll find some of them; Sands NZ – Bereaved Parents Chat . Tommy’s Support Group (UK based), is also a community of like minded people navigating the same train track you are on

I know that being forced to self-isolate due to a nasty virus can be difficult for you while you navigate your uncertain road ahead. If I can offer any ideas to you, it would be to diary how you are feeling and what’s going on for you each day. Somehow, find a method to release your thoughts verbally to someone, or physically on paper.

Caution, there are people trying to talk through the windows of the carriage to you… and they’re all saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, some people don’t actually think about what comes out of their mouths before they say things. It’s like they think they need to fill the silence with the sound of their own voice to make them feel better. It’s completely natural to want to punch those people in the face. For obvious reasons, I recommend you avoid physically hurting these people. In hindsight for me, I finally realised they only wanted to help, but they had no freaking idea how to! I found a great quote about this online that might resonate with you; “please let me be the first person to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason”. I think I did my punching through words… read a few of my blog posts and you’ll see how! Alternatively, message your family the link to this blog; ‘what to say to someone coping with grief’ .

Nothing I will say will make your journey any easier. All I can say is be present in the emotions you are feeling each day, for the next day they will change and develop again. Exhaust every type of therapy; counselling, yoga, meditation, crying, sleeping, baking, gardening, chopping firewood, staring into space, shopping online, painting, writing a letter to your baby. Try everything.

If you or someone you know is suffering from babyloss, through stillbirths or a loss along their NICU journey, or miscarriage, let them know that they can message me. I’m only a keyboard enter click away x There are so many people on the same train as you.

Helpful links;

True Colours

Sands NZ – Bereaved Parents Chat

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