Baby loss is a tough road for a Mother to go on, not because of the obvious physical, mental and emotional pain that already surrounds child birth for the female, but because this grief is not yours alone, to tuck carefully into your back pocket. It’s shared grief. Shared with someone whom you expect to offer their shoulder and warmth of an arm at a time like this. But instead, you’re both left feeling out in the cold and alone, which makes the start of this next chapter in your life, so bloody hard.
Sometimes I sit quietly thinking how proud I am at how I have been able to piece by piece, re build my broken soul, after such a life changing event which left me lying on the floor broken 6 months ago. I still bite my tongue when people ask if i’m “every going to try for another one”. There is some much self love that needs to happen before another baby comes along. I don’t expect my husband to ever, ever comprehend entirely how this event has rocked my boat so fiercely, but I do wish he could hear what I say is real for me and that it’s ok to feel like that, without needing to properly understand anything or take offence to why I feel that way.
- I wish he knew how much my heart hurts when our 2 year old sees a baby and wants to hug it and tell me it’s crying or it’s happy.
- I wish he would just say ‘ok’ when I say I don’t really want to visit a newborn baby or a pregnant friend, instead of continuing to ask why or when do I think it’s going to be ok.
- I wish he knew that i’m not trying to be strong or tough, i’m just trying to get through each day, to get through the month, to get through the winter, to get through the year. To hope time can work it’s healing magic on me.
- I wish he knew how much pain I feel when he talks about how he wanted to do things the ‘right way’ when Paxton died. What is the right way?
I wish he would just say; I hear you or I support you or I believe you or i’m here for you or your experience is valid or i’m listening or I see your point of view.
Some people have said “This was either going to make you relationship or break your relationship”. I don’t believe this at all. Shared grief is in no way a fair catalyst for making or breaking a relationship. It works in fierce opposition to the normal expectations of a relationship. Shared grief dramatically adds to a relationship, copious years of compromise, give and take and hard work, in just a matter of seconds.