The Dirty ‘D’ Word

Yes, it’s true. My marriage didn’t survive.

We’re that statistical couple that lost a baby and then separated.

I read an article in the Still Standing magazine, which was written by a father/husband on his experience of marriage and losing a baby via stillbirth. He talked about the key to their marriage continuing was that they were both ‘willing’.

Willingness is the catalyst for change, as Gabby Bernstein is currently telling me via the podcast i’m listening to as I write this blog post (Gabby Bernstein on Healing Trauma and Spiritual Freedom – if you’re interested).

I don’t think we were willing anymore.

Since having our first child in 2018, I can see with the blessing of hindsight, that we had veered in opposite directions, filling ourselves and our separate lives with values, beliefs and priorities that started to show as polar opposites.

Paxton was unfortunately the biological implosion that I had to go through to make us both realise that the values, beliefs and priorities that we had developed separately within ourselves, were incompatible for allowing us to move forward and be the best, highest version of ourselves that we could possibly be.

I’ve come to learn that we need to appreciate those dark places in our lives. That is where true growth can flower from.

Baby loss will be one of those appreciations for me. The appreciation of feeling such deep dark pain and discomfort within myself, but the growth, especially the mental growth, that can blossom from those pits of despair.

And now; Separation…. I’m not sure what the appreciation is here yet. Maybe it’s the appreciation for being able to have had the opportunity to learn my limits in myself and a partnership. The opportunity to learn what healthy communication looks like. The opportunity to find out what I truly believe in and how best to share this and respect the beliefs of others.

I haven’t been able to admit that i’m a religious type, but through these major life experiences I’m learning that the Universe has an uncanny way of guiding you along a path that’s meant for you. At some point, you’ve got to surrender yourself to it, in order to live fully.

10 years ago I would have scoffed and rolled my eyes at such a comment. I had my vision and my path set out in my head and I was going to get what I wanted. But after experiencing the trauma of baby loss and the following destruction of a marriage, there is no way I know what my path is for the next 10 years .

In her podcast, Gabby touched on ‘fear based perception’. I guess we are all dealing with trauma in some way. Whether it be something like being called small, tall, fat, thin or ugly when we were young, or going through major physical trauma. We are thus, all afraid of something. Afraid of being let down again, afraid of what other people think, afraid of being hurt again. But, while we hold these fears, we are restricting ourselves to live fully, thus happily, in the present moment. If we choose to, we can become confined to our fears. Restricted by our fears.

So I guess the question we really need to ask ourselves is; do we really want to be confined or restricted by our fears for the rest of our lives?

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