Please don't send flowers

Flowers have somehow become the universal language for sympathy, joy, love and apology (i’m probably missing some)…. Somehow, somewhere, someone started by giving a flower to show an emotion. To make an emotional connection with the other person.

I can’t talk about sending flowers for joy, love and apology, but I can tell you about sending flowers to show sympathy for grief.

I should be grateful for all the flowers we received, and I most certainly am. I’m thankful that we have friends and family who care enough to take time out of their day to send love and sympathy in the form of flowers.

But, i’m talking to you from the perspective of the Mum who has being crippled by the pain and scare of premature labour, the Mum who’s baby’s head was stuck in her cervix for 6 minutes causing immense pressure on his brain resulting in death, the Mum who had to watch the baby she grew inside of her, struggle to cope with life on Earth for 2 days, the Mum who held her baby while he took his last gasp for air, the Mum who walked out of the hospital with a box instead of a carseat. The Mum who now has to come home and watch the flowers die too.

Every grief experience is going to be different and it will be up to you to analyse the situation and figure out if flowers would be more suitable. However, I’ve made a few suggestions below on what to send instead of flowers if, like me, someone close to you loses a baby.

Instead of flowers try….

  • Making the couple a dinner meal to either put in the freezer, or to eat that night
  • Put together some lunch or healthy snack ideas (these could be packet things like falafal or soups)
  • If they have other children, how about putting together freezer meal packs for their kids that they can just nip out of the freezer in time for dinner (this could be things like; home made meat patties, meatloaf, chicken stew, beef stew, mince)
  • Sending a food package
  • Sending a tree to plant
  • Writing a thoughtful card – include a packet of seeds to scatter if you like or a poem

Links that might help you with ideas:

My kids lick the bowl – meal ideas for the grieving parent’s kids

Angel Deliveries – sending food packages

6 Comments

  1. OMG yes, we received so many flowers but for years after my husband couldn’t give me flowers it hurt too much and before it was something special he used to do for me. Just one more thing lost 😦

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    1. Cath, i’m sorry to hear your experience in receiving flowers. Sometimes in the hardest times something so small can cause the most pain. Wishing you all the strength and love in the world x

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  2. I wonder how many mummas are like me. I wanted flowers. Its nearly been two years since my daughter went to heaven. I was on so much pain killers i don’t remember much from ICU but I remember thinking how come noone brought us flowers. So my cousin went nd brought some beautiful bright flowers & balloons for our room

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  3. Strangely I got given chocolate blocks. So random but I literally existed on them alone for days. I couldn’t eat for the stress.
    I’m making my way through your posts and it could be me writing them! I lost my girl at almost 23wks x

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    1. Stacey, i found this quote recently that resonates with what you said above about existing on chocolate alone for days; “let’s stop taking people’s absence so personal. Sometimes what they are going through requires isolation. It’s not even about you!” … I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your baby at 23 weeks. I hope you can find strength in my writing x Sending you a virtual hug x

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