You’re not supposed to bury your children

Never does the thought of burying our children ever cross our minds and rarely is the topic ever talked about. But it’s my reality and I want to make it a topic that we share. The more we share, the more likely we are to find people who are also lingering in this unique club no one wants to be apart of.

I don’t believe you can ever ‘move on’ from grief like this but you can let it refine you, not define you.

It was such a strange feeling, choosing what to wear to Paxton’s cremation. I was pretty numb by this stage (and still am) in the week (this was Day 3 after he died) but it was so odd to choose something to wear to MY child’s funeral. I mean, I had thought about how I might feel if my Mum died, or my Dad, but I hadn’t thought about losing my own child. I hadn’t thought about being that person in the front row that everyone looks at.

Upon losing one of my own babies, it has made me think more about the parents who have lost children in; car crashes, suicides and other preventable accidents. If you are reading this and you are someone who has lost a child, I feel your pain…

I feel the hole you have in your heart that will slowly get smaller but will never heal entirely.

I feel the lump in your throat as you think what you could have done to prevent the loss.

I feel your tears as you remember moments.

I feel your hands continue to shake.

I feel you, Mumma. I feel all your pain.

As the roller coaster of Motherhood that I was on has crashed painfully off the rails i’m left to wonder how I can fill the hole that was supposed to be filled with a newborn life? How can someone swim strongly in a sea land mined with jellyfish?

Some of the supporters of Tommy’s have shared their feelings on baby loss, which you can watch below. It summarises all my thoughts.

Did you know:

  • That if your baby dies before birth and he/she is more than 20 weeks gestation or he/she weighs more than 400g, this is referred to as a stillbirth. It is law that you register this child’s birth and then also the death with the NZ Government
  • If your baby is born alive and then dies within 28 days, this is referred to as a neonatal death. It is law that you register this child’s birth and then also the death with the NZ Government

Paxton was 24.4 weeks gestation when he was born and weighed 667 g. He died 2 days after he was born. I had to register his birth the day after I said goodbye to him at the hospital. His death had to be registered within 3 working days of the cremation ( so basically you get a birth certificate and a death certificate for your baby )

Interesting facts

  • According to health.govt.nz;
  • “Approximately 78% of fetal deaths and 55% of infant deaths registered in 2016 were preterm (<37 weeks’ gestation), the majority of which were very preterm (<28 weeks’ gestation).” –> I can’t actually find any fetal and infant death statistics for the years 2017 or 2018 on this website
  • “Approximately 70% of fetal deaths had a cause of death in the ICD-10 chapter group ‘Certain conditions originating in the perinatal period (P00–P96)”.

Interesting links;

N.U.M.B – Neonatal Unity for Mothers and Babies

Sands – Sooo many helpful resources and support

The Neonatal Trust – Donate. These people help make the NICU experience a little (if you can even do that) better. Better equipment for babies, better equipment for parents.

Tommy’s – A charity in England, Whales and Scotland but full of all the right information

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