A marriage on life support

Love is risky. Love requires vulnerability. Love is not about counting what you give or receive. Love is about keeping your heart open, even through the darkest of times.

Just so you’re aware, this isn’t a pep talk blog post. I haven’t written it to bleed inspiration. It’s just the raw reality of my married life.

My husband and I ‘separated’ (spent some time apart…??) for about 5 weeks following the death of our son and a traumatic premature labour and birth. We have differing views on ‘why’ but the factual reality is, we didn’t live under the same roof for that duration. He’s back home now, but this 5 weeks period when I felt so completely broken and alone, is something that i’m struggling to put ‘behind’ me. I don’t want to let it define me, but I still feel the hurt.

No one talks about struggles in marriage. There are many blog posts and facebook photos showing happy families; plastered with big smiles and 2 in-love looking young people swinging their 2 beautiful looking children in their arms. But what about the stories of the chaos and struggles in between those smiles? We need to hear them too. We need to hear the low points, the crying on the bathroom floor points. Why? Because they are the truthful reality of life and we need to read them to feel like we are not alone.

I was listening to a podcast recently on marriage. Something that was talked about was ‘unplugging’ from your spouse. The discussions voiced how we are often seeking recognition, affirmations or clarity from our significant other, often feeling the sense of disappointment or frustration when this expectation is not met. I’m slowly learning that it’s important to ‘unplug’ from your spouse and ‘plug’ into something else that will build your strength. I’m told that this will allow you to walk through conversations with your spouse differently and allow your frustration or anger to dwindle and be replaced with clarity and sincerity.

I’m practicing forgiveness at the moment because according to therapy, it leaves the heart open. The tricky thing is that i’m not really sure how to practice it effectively. It’s hard to say the opposite of what my heart feels. According to the current marriage podcast; In any point on marriage, you have grounds for divorce, but you also have grounds for forgiveness.

When you’re finding difficulties in your marriage, i’ve learned that it’s important to find people you trust to talk to. You want someone to talk to that isn’t going to have an opinion, or take ‘sides’. Someone who isn’t going to judge either you or your spouse in the aftermath. Someone who isn’t going to give you advice. Someone to just hear your hurt. A friend of mine said to me once “do you want advice or do you want to vent”. Sometimes, if we are not feeling heard in our marriage, we just need someone else to hear our story, tell us they feel our pain and that it’s shit. However, other times we need advice on a better way to say something, or a different way to feel, or a different view point. But it’s important to notice for yourself whether you are wanting advice or a vent from your friend. Note though that it’s not healthy or constructive to constantly bitch and moan.

To the friends who are withstanding this train derailment at the moment, the ones who have constantly txtd and rung and continued to act with no judgement when you have visited us or our home. You are the rocks we need.

It’s the birth of a new decade today. It’s time to write down exactly how this year is going to look to manifest the perfect outcome.

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