- Seeing friends who are pregnant – After losing my own baby, this one has been like a thistle stuck in my foot. It’s an exciting time when you end up walking the pregnancy journey with friends who have stood so strongly in your ‘pre kids’ life. But once you trip and fall heavily off this path that these friends are still travelling on, it’s really difficult to look past the canyon that now separates you. I appreciate these people, but right now I struggle to see past their pregnancy glow.
- Receiving the death certificate in the mail – This one hurts. It hurts bad. It’s legal evidence that there was another living human in your life that you have missed out on Mothering. Never in my life so far have I had anyone close to my die, but to have to receive the death certificate of my own baby just made the scars inside me weep even more.
- Finding memories of when you were pregnant – It’s been 4 weeks since Paxton died and this morning as I was getting in the car, I found an ultrasound picture of his feet. I also know that i’ve got the stick that told me i was pregnant, hiding at the bottom of a drawer in my cupboard, but i’m too scared to get it out. When i’ve allowed the buzzing thoughts in my head to calm a little, I need to gather these things and pop them in the box with Paxton’s ashes and all the special words that we received from the people around us. Just not right now. Give me just a little more time.
- People telling you to be grateful for what you have – Stop giving me advice. Just stop it. I know I have another child at home, one that I love dearly. One that without knowing it, has forced me to get out of bed, leave the house and help pass time. She’s given me strength that she will never understand. But I have 2 children, both of which I love with all my heart. It just happens that one is in my arms, happy and bubbly, busy sucking her thumb and holding my ear.. while the other one sits only in my heart and not in my arms. If it makes you too uncomfortable when you see me, we don’t have to talk about what ‘would have been’ with my second child, but we can talk about what ‘is’. This is my reality. Please stop trying to ease the pain by brushing over it.
- Songs on the radio – Everything triggers you after you’ve been through a baby loss, but one song in particular struck a chord with me. Every time I hear it, my thoughts jump back and scramble. I don’t want to turn the radio off because that wont allow my head and heart to deal with my reality, but boy do the words cause immense sadness. Every. Time.
This list is bound to grow. I haven’t been through an anniversary yet and I haven’t passed Paxton’s actual due date. I haven’t replied to the email to order his hand and feet casts and I haven’t opened the pictures that the professional photographer sent.
“We haven’t moved on, we’ll never move on – the grief develops and changes. It will keep doing that.” – Whitney and Kahutane Whaanga who lost their baby Ihaka-Mikail’