1 month on

I still vividly remember, it was late in the day, on the 18th of November.

You squirmed and squeezed and tore me in two and left me to surrender

I felt so weak, I couldn’t speak through gritted teeth I howled

as through my body, lightning stung and thunder roared and growled

I tried, I did, with all might might, to keep you out of sight

But you fell and slipped as the water rushed and swept you into the light.

I didn’t see you, I had to go, so they could stitch me up

But you were gone, whisked away, the size of a tall flower cup

All alone I was left, far away and no help to you

The only thought that I caught was that I was to blame too

You fought, you did, you really did but we all weren’t strong enough

So you left us, the Angels took you, to watch from the puffy cloud fluff

A ‘P’ name we needed and peace we sought, so we named you our wee, Pax

Your lanky legs, your precious body will be etched as clear as a fax

A hole you’ve left, a giant hole, in me and everything

I hope that I might one day find, some peace to help me sing


  1. My heart breaks for you. Your words stung deep as i remembered too how my body tried to hang on to my precious son born to heaven at 20 weeks. He never had a chance his body too ravaged by so many abnormalities. Incompatible to life we were told. What the heck does that mean. My child is not incompatible to life. He is mine he is warm and wiggling safe inside me. I am his life support as soon as he leaves my body he will die and i had made that choice not to continue with his pregnancy i made the choice to let him go. 15 years have passed . He has a little brother now. Conceived only 3 mths after his angel day. A miracle i was 45 yrs old. Against all odds. My family horrified i would get pregnant again. But i was meant to. Just as you were meant to be a part of our family. I never thought i could carry on living after that day. To be honest life has been hard . My smile is not the same. Only those mothers who have experienced this loss will understand the emptiness and pain behind that smile. But it does get better. My love and blessings are with you.


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